| Jun. 2nd, 2005 @ 09:44 am Encounter with Eeeeeeeeeevil! |
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I can't believe I talked to the Ultimate Evil in the universe and for a minute or two i thought it was Monique! She can be harsh, sure, but the First really knows how to see inside your soul and figure out how to get to you personally. Custom Evil! like, if heaven were customized so that everyone gets whatever specific situation would make them happiest and most fulfilled and it was like being the most inspired possible every second with all the things I'd need to make perfect music and surf a galaxy-sized wave of cosmic love - well, this was the opposite Ultimate Bummer.
It's not like I'm Xtian but those few easters and xmases that we went to the carbondale lutheran, well... I got the idea more or less. So the First is kind of like Hell, or the Devil, or the Snow Queen who broke her mirror and so instead of having rose-colored glasses you see everything look like shit and depressing because the poison ice mirror thing, which is really profound because it's like a MIRROR you see yourself in or like reflections, right? Reflections and not the real world because nothing is really the real world? get it? So - what I mean is that I know what hell is and I know how to fight it. The evil mirror splinters have no power over me. The First said really hurtful things to me, through Monique, and she's not like, my girlfriend or anything really, we just have fun, but still, I was ... when she it said that I was just a normal guy like any other dumb guy and that I was totally replaceable and not important and stuff, wow, that was... the perceptiveness of Evil is amazing. Just like the weird Xtian god can see everything and see you all the time even when you're on the toilet, the xtian devil can too, like psychological x-ray vision. They both know how to get to you. In fact, they might be the SAME THING. Isn't that wild? They totally are! And if you think about that one guy who wrote that "Hell is... other people" where those assholes were stuck forever together in the worst party where no one came to their party - that was cool- but also so harsh - And I really didn't even understand it because of course hell is not other people. That's so dumb! Hell was that no one else came to their party! it should have been, "hell is BORING people." and that reminds me of this one girl I sort of went out with in 10th grade because she wanted to save my soul or something, and I just wanted to know if she would kiss me and maybe it would perk her up a little bit and mellow her out to, you know, drink a beer and make out and enjoy life for a hwile instead of worry all the time about other people going to hell. And the way she kind of stuck her tongue out slightly between her teeth when she was concentrating on a math test was just so cute and she would always make a better grade than me, so I had a huge crush.... But what she said was kind of interesting once you got past the jesus freak stuff: she said that heaven was beingn in the presence of ultimate love (which was ironic since while i'm not such an ass as to think my love is ultimate, she was still in the presence of my love) and hell was being in the presence of that same ultimate love but not being able to see it or ignoring it (which was also really ironic since she would not make out with me, her loss.)
But back to the horrible things lately like Uma dying, man, right in front of us and i was like sprayed with her blood and I could cry about it for about a year. I feel like i love her so much suddenly because she ... she knew she would destroy the world and so killed herself... that's so noble... she was so amazing and it's sad that she,.,.. surely there could have been some other way to save her... She never got a fair chance at life or being herself, because of her parents' bogus expectations of her, it's just so ... it's so sexist! they just brought her up to be nothing, like a sacrifice! i dont' care if that is un-pc and not culturally sensitive! it sucked, dude! And it was so horrible that it was like hell. And then evil-parallel universe Monique said mean things to me. And then we actually went to actual Hell and back.
And what I found out is so important! That I experienced the ultimate evil, or hell, like that dude in love with beatrice who seems really fucking annoying and prissy but really not so much when the spark notes explain that she is really a metaphor for Art. so he is in love with Art, which i totally understand, and has to go through hell. So - I've gone through hell in so many ways lately and it was harder than anything. But I'm still here and everything is still so beautiful really and I know that I'm stronger than it and we all are really. If you think of all the bad trips I've come out of okay, all the weird times I've been hallucinating in some back alley wondering where my car was and realizing that I'm sitting in homeless-person-barf and have lost my keys and the night has spooky shadows and we're all going to die sometime, well, that was just like, practice for this moment of Now. I've had all that practice and I'm really GOOD at riding out a bummer and seeing that even from the point of view of no keys, the lingering smell of barf, poverty, misery, insanity, and knowing we're all going to die, the night is still so beautiful, the stars are amazing when the fog lets you see, the fog is amazing too, man, and the bricks in the wall of that building that must ahve once been a really fancy department store but are now some kind of warehouse or something, the bricks are amazingly beautiful with subtle grainy textures and rounded corners like weathered granite, and someone made the brick, which is amazing, and some real person slathered the mortar with a trowelly thing and actually put that brick their with their hands, and that person is dead probably because the buildilng is really old, but here I am looking at that particular brick, isn't that wild? So my point is that this is still true. |
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